A CAT & MOUSE TALE

by Peter Little of Bromley in Kent
contributed by Norma Francis

A mouse died and went to heaven and, after a few days, God spoke to him asking if he liked it in heaven. 
The mouse said, ‘Yes, thank you, but it is so big up here, my little legs get very tired.’  So God made him a pair of rollerskates.
Then a cat died and went to heaven and, after a few days, God spoke to him asking if he liked it in heaven. 
The cat replied: ‘Yes, thank you, I particularly like the meals on wheels service.’

Q:        What kind of man was Boaz before he married?  
A:        Ruthless.

Q:        What do they call pastors in Germany?  
A:        German shepherds.

 Q:        Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?  
A:        Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q:        Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?  
A:        Pharoah’s daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

 Q:        What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?  
A:        Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury.  
David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.  
Also, probably   a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q:        Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?  
A:        Samson.  He brought the house down.

Q:        What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?  
A:        Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q:        Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?  
A:        Moses.  He broke all ten commandments at once.

 Q:        Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?  
A:        The area around Jordan.  The banks were always overflowing.

 Q:        Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?  
A:        David.  He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

 Q:        Which Bible character had no parents?  
A:        Joshua, son of Nun.

 Q:        Why didn’t they play cards on the ark?
A:        Because Noah was standing on the deck.

THE WALLS OF JERICHO

submitted by Norma Francis

A school inspector asked a class, 'Who blew down the Walls of Jericho?'  One of the pupils, a lad called Billy Green, replied promptly, 'Please Sir, it wasn't me.'

 The inspector was amazed at this show of ignorance and brought the matter up in the headmaster's study at the end of his visit. 'Do you know', he asked, 'I asked the class who blew down the Walls of Jericho and young Billy Green said that it wasn't him.'

 The headmaster said, 'Billy Green, eh? Well, I must say that I've always found the lad to be honest and trustworthy, and if he says that it wasn't him, then it wasn't him!'

The inspector left the school without further comment, but lost no time in reporting the full sequence of events to the Ministry of Education in a written report.  In due course, he received the following reply:

Dear Sir:

A man was caught in a flood.  Two men came by in a boat to rescue him, but he waved them away shouting, 'No, the Lord will save me.'  
 One hour later another boat came along, but again the man said, 'No, the Lord will save me.'  
 Eventually , a helicopter arrived but the man insisted, 'The Lord will save me/'  
 Unfortunately the man drowned and at the gates of heaven he asked St Peter, 'Why didn't the Lord save me?'  
 And St Peter replied, 'For crying out loud--he sent two boats and a helicopter.  What more do you want?'

Certain billboards are getting attention in the American state of Arizona.  One newspaper reporter made a list of the various 'God Speaks' billboards that he has seen.  The messages in white on a simple black background.  No fine print or sponsoring organisation is included.  Who do you think is the sponsor?

 Tell the kids I love them.

        God

 Let's meet at my house Sunday before the football match.

        God

 What part of 'Thou shalt not . . . ' didn't you understand?

            God

 We need to talk.

            God

 Keep using my name in vain and rush hour will just get longer.

            God

 Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.

            God

 That 'Love thy neighbour' thing . . . I meant it!

            God

 I love you and you and you and you and . . .

            God

 Will the road you're on get you to my house?

            God

 Follow me.

            God

 Need directions?  Talk to me.

            God

 Have you read my number one best-seller?

            God

 Do you have any idea where you're going?

        God

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.  The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.  They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.  Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

 Remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.  Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.

 Mother drank a little, then a little more.  Before they knew it, she drank the whole glass down to the last drop.

 'Mother,' the nuns asked in earnest, 'please give us some wisdom before you die.'  
 Barely audible and with a serene look on her face, she said, 'Don't sell that cow.'